WHERE’S MY TIN HAT?

     I am cynical by nature, but I am also an eternal optimist. I am fairly intelligent, and I love to craft a good story (these seemingly non-related subjects will be tied together in a moment). I keep hoping (fighting that cynical side of me) that the people who desire to govern this country are at least as smart as me, and it is my fervent wish that they are much smarter. Since all evidence seems to be to the contrary to that pie-in-the-sky attitude, I figure that there must be some reason, some ulterior motive, why Mr. Obama’s administration seems to be trying to implode itself.  In my search for a reasonable explanation of this phenomenon, I came up with the following concept of why everyone in Mr. Obama’s government seems to be conspiring against him, and how the remainder of the Presidential campaign will play out:

Poor Mr. Obama didn’t work out. Perhaps he didn’t kowtow to the Washington powers-that-be, or maybe he simply wasn’t Presidential material (although he sure looks good in his suits, and can he sing!). Whatever the reason, he isn’t the choice for the next term, and we have to get rid of him without looking like we want to get rid of him, especially after he was anointed as The One. Now, there is no way for the Democratic party to dump their nominee, so what to do? How about…

Before I jump into the specifics, I want to back up a bit. While I have paid attention to political campaigns in the past, I hadn’t really given them much thought. I just watched and listened to the ads and the pundits. I’d nod my head if what they said made sense, and cock my head to the side if it seemed questionable, but I didn’t really try to come up with any explanations of why sometimes these seemingly intelligent people would act so stupid. During this campaign, however, I have been paying closer attention, and noticed a few things.

At first, the Republicans fielded nine candidates. What was interesting to me was that, one by one, they fell by the wayside—usually brought down by events that had occurred many years previously. It was as though the powers-that-be were holding on to incriminating information, ready to dump it on a candidate in disfavor at the appropriate time. I filed this notion away as an intriguing concept.

Then came the GSA scandal. What was interesting about this revelation was that the conference in question had occurred in 2010. I couldn’t help but wonder how nobody had noticed for over a year that the GSA had slipped its leash. It reminded me of how the Republican candidates had been shot down by old news. However, one item does not a conspiracy make.

Next we hear, horrors of horrors, that the Secret Service advance team in Colombia hosted prostitutes, in their rooms! and then squabbled about the charges. Really? We’re supposed to believe that all of those lonely men in a foreign country (where prostitution is legal), never (ever!) indulged. Ever? And that it certainly wasn’t a routine circumstance. Let me get this straight. This was the advance team. Their mission was to travel to foreign countries, set things up for the Prez, then fly away to do it all again someplace else. 

We’re supposed to buy the story that these men, away from home, a job well done, working for the most powerful man in the world, secret agents, would never even consider celebrating with alcohol and legal sex in that situation. Right. In all the years that all the lonely men have been doing advance work for Presidents in foreign countries, the thought of turning to prostitutes for companionship never occurred to any of them. And it certainly was not a routine occurrence. Certainly not. Right. I’ve met men before.

And the way the whole thing came out. Well, they do say that truth is stranger than fiction. And this was just strange. As I understand it, after the deal was done, the next morning was when it all blew up. The dispute over the fee, the other agents jumping in to pony up the rest of the bucks, the policeman who just happened to be down the hall. It seemed just too pat, too staged. The only other alternative I can come up with besides conspiracy is that these agents are the dumbest bunnies on the planet, and I don’t want to go to sleep at night thinking that the defense of our country depends on dodos like them.

Anyway, I did like the way it was played, that the whole scenario about the safety of the President. That was a nice touch. While a lot of Americans may not care about whether the Secret Service is getting–well, you know—we’re all very concerned about the protection for the office of the President, regardless of the current inhabitant. Poor Mr. Obama. All he must want is for all these scandals to disappear, so that he can do the job he wants to do. If I think that everyone is out to get him, how must he feel?

I started to feel sorry for Mr. Obama. He seemed to be bedeviled by people around him. That’s when I began to develop my theory about Mr. Obama’s upcoming exit from the world stage. I never thought of myself as a conspiracy theorist, but I guess that’s where cynicism combined with the notion that other people are as smart as you and don’t purposely screw up their lives gets you.

So, okay, there was GSA, and there was the Secret Service. Things quieted down a bit, and I modified my theory. It was possible that these incidents were just warnings to Mr. Obama to straighten up his act, that his re-election campaign wasn’t necessarily doomed. Then came Fast and Furious. The stakes seemed to be getting higher, and the noose was tightening. With the contempt citation against Mr. Holder, and the claim of executive privilege at the eleventh hour, I could see the death knell tolling for Mr. Obama’s re-election hopes.

Recalling that the Democrats can’t dump their guy in the gutter, here’s how the rest of the summer and fall will transpire:

Mr. Obama’s got to get gone, but he can’t quit. That would leave Mr. Biden in charge, and…’nuff said about that. So Mr. Biden’s go to go, and the new nominee, the person who will save the Democratic party, will have to be installed.

And that person is…Hillary Clinton, of course! She is the only person who can be anointed The (New and Improved) One. She would be the first female President, she has the experience of being in the White House, and it would almost be like Bill is President again!

How do we accomplish this major change of players? First, Joe must go, so that Hillary can slide into the VP position. I haven’t come up with a scenario for this (hey, do I have to do all the work?) Once he’s gone, and Hillary has been appointed to her new position, it’ll be time for Mr. Obama to bow out, gracefully. I’m thinking that either Malia or Sasha will come down with some disease (I am not wishing anything hurtful to either child, it pains me to even formulate this idea, but I realize that someone has to take one for the team, and besides, you aren’t still thinking that any of this is real, are you? Just like the Secret Service, it’ll be a fake). This malady would be something that requires Mr. Obama to resign for the sake of his family, but that can miraculously be healed six months after Mr. Obama has left office. Or Mr. Obama himself could incur some previously undiscovered heart problem, but as his health is continuously monitored, it is more difficult to convince people that he is the one ailing. Besides, in this country, we are all about the children, and people will be so affected by the news of a parent’s heartache that they won’t be likely to stop and ponder the coincidence.

So Mr. Obama is gone, Mrs. Clinton is a new woman for a new day, and we can have four more years of hope and change (and Bill).

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe there is no conspiracy in the Democratic party to get rid of Mr. Obama. Maybe his campaign for re-election will continue to proceed as it has, with revelations strewn about here and there that make us wonder about the basic intelligence of our members of government. Think about it, though. If I am wrong about someone in the background pulling strings, if there is no conspiracy against Mr. Obama, if we are truly being governed by a bunch of morons, how much power do we really want to give them?

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